Choosing to be a Mature Parent Series
Let me begin by stating that I would bet you are a good enough parent, or an adult who genuinely cares about our youth. I would lay odds you try every day to do what you can to offer your children or our youth as a whole, a good bit of guidance, encouragement, and support. I know, it probably sounds like I am talking you out of reading this book. But…this is not the case; I simply wish to begin with the truth, most parents and adults try hard, real hard, to be the best they can be.
Well, with that being said, I am acknowledging how these are extremely difficult times to be raising or mentoring a youth. Our young people live at a time when the issues we face as a planet and people are formidable. Our youth must daily battle living in a culture which often seems cynical, self-centered, mean spirited, and lacking in compassion or any respect for diversity. Many of our youth cope with the possibility of having to dodge bullets at school. All of them routinely hear about a planet warming to dangerous levels. The anxiety in today’s teens is high, and for good reason.
These are what might be called “apocalyptic times”, and by that I am not predicting any Armageddon events. However, I am warning all good parents and adults who care about kids that now more than ever our youth need our graciousness, generosity and goodness – they need us to be real GROWN-UPS. The good life in America has proven to have little to nothing to do with goodness. Our young deserve to be helped to find a genuinely good life, so they can become who they were created to be – GENUINELY GOOD PEOPLE.
The culture of this time in America appears to advocate for GROWING DOWN, NOT UP. We are bombarded a call to make sure there is something in it for me, which, of course, means money. We are told repeatedly our value is found in our pocketbook and by what we own. We are also incessantly attacked with the message WE ARE NOT ENOUGH. We are not good enough sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, siblings or friends, family or community, and fall way short of the top rungs of the ladder of success.
To be brutally honest, I think it is fair to say our culture belittles us daily, and feverishly promotes the slow and subtle selling of our souls.
It is time for good enough parents and the adult friends of youth to step up to the plate, and encourage youth to work at being significant, not merely successful. Our youth will more than likely earn a good living, but whether or not they lead a good life is a whole other proposition. We must train our children to be kind, caring, concerned, compassionate adults, and this means offering them ample tutoring in the art of loving.
Remember, it takes a real adult to become an artist in Life or love. Maturity is a prerequisite to the genuine good life. Maturity demands discipline, effort, drive, and the determination to make a difference. The mature adult is someone who can make someone’s day every single day – and often does! The mature adult is a person of great character, integrity, dignity, and possesses the courage to face conflict or crisis, and be creative even in times of chaos.
Let me offer some specifics on what I believe will be required of a mature adult -- not the kind of adults meant by the ironic moniker FOR ADULTS ONLY. Mature adults act their age, they age with grace, face up to the issues of their lives and times, and help create a saner, safer, and more stable world; they choose to follow a road less traveled. Here are some of the signposts you can expect to see if you too wisely decide to follow that road.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HUMAN
Let me make the following assertion as the spiritual – decidedly not religious -- foundation of my own values and ethics. It is a statement of my faith, and therefore a choice and I do not seek to indoctrinate anyone here. I am solely asking you to consider the dimensions and scope of my conviction.
I believe it is the will of God for HUMANS TO BE HUMAN. Unfortunately, I have witnessed most folks try to be anything but human. By seeking to be in control, in charge, or worse yet, perfect, we lead lives which are inevitably demoralizing. The radical acceptance of being human is fundamental to the maturation process, and I would contend, the development of spirituality as well. What exactly do I mean by that?
To accept being human means first and foremost, knowing we are living at the same time we are dying, and one day we will actually die. This is a most powerful notion, but it is critical to growing up in any way, shape or form. A grown-up knows Life has limits, and we are here for a relatively brief span of time. A grown-up accepts and understands this is not a dress rehearsal, but the actual performance.
When we accept our humanity, we are also claiming our flaws, failings, even flops, and admitting we can be lazy, lousy, and even losers – at least at times. As humans we can be quite arrogant or proud, and pretend to have the world on a string; when literally and figuratively, that string was cut when we were born. We must accept being fragile and vulnerable if we are ever to lay claim to our substantive powers. In a spiritual sense, this means hitting bottom before we can begin looking up to the top.
Yes, we sin, however we define the term, we screw up, we make poor decisions and choices, and we can get frustrated, even furious, if the world is not functioning according to our plans. We expect the world to go our way, and recoil at seeing it zoom off in another direction. Still, human beings can be incredibly resilient. We can change, and we do. We can grow and learn, and we have. We can become and be, and we do so daily. Being human is a verb, a process, and a movement. Maturing is a miracle, but it is also our nature.
The movement to being mature responsible adults is not our destiny, it is an art. There are no coloring books. There isn’t a paint-by-number kit. There is simply a palette of watercolors, the hues of being human, and then learning to trust the water and go with the flow. Paint creatively and with abundant joy. Paint a picture we would be proud to sign as our own.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HONEST
The mature soul respects the power of words and giving our word. The mature soul understands that the ground of our being is the loam of honesty. A life of deception, lies, pretending, faking it, or being genuinely deceitful, just does not cut it in terms of maturity.
We have all known a spoiled brat. Some of us have been one, or may sadly still be. A spoiled brat lives the ultimate lie, which is to believe everything is all about ME. They see themselves as the center of the universe and cannot understand why the world and its people are not rolling out the red carpet for them. The spoiled brat lies all the time. They fake it equally often. They are all about image, with literally no depth or substance. They are folks who lack a soul, and miserably fail to mature.
I consider honesty to be the fuel of maturation. If you cannot be honest, you cannot be aware, and without awareness you cannot change, and change is the hallmark of all maturing. Honesty is a climb up to higher ground and requires us to be on the up and up. Even the white lie has a dark side, leading us to fib compulsively, or stretching the truth to unrecognizable dimensions. Once we step forward in a rigorous honesty, we will soon become at ease with the habit of telling the truth.
The fib, the omission, the exaggeration, the deception, the half-truth, the con, the denial, all are quite human, but all lead us to a compulsive avoidance of adhering to our core convictions. When we fail to walk the walk, and just talk the talk, it is like trying to stand up on legs which have fallen deeply asleep – the perfect set-up for a stumble.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HUMBLE
Walk humbly with your God is probably the best advice the Psalmist ever gave. Humility is not self-deprecation, and it is definitely not acting simple or stupid or powerless. The true meaning of humility is to accept our strengths and weaknesses, and to keep our goals in proper perspective. Life is a paradox, and the mature individual copes well with either side, dark or light, lost or found, old or new. The mature person celebrates his or her gifts or talents, but is also able to recognize, acknowledge and celebrate the gifts and talents of others.
Humility means to have an accurate and true sense of self. It means having the capacity to see oneself through the eyes of others, or even the eyes of God. Humility is an attitude of Grace. Humility is a perspective, which knows our significance and insignificance, and how they are spiritually fused. For example, as a Christian, there is no true understanding of Easter, if one does not know why we call Good Friday - good.
Walking humbly with God means having come to our senses, having come down to earth, and moving with the confidence we will become who we were created to be. The mature person is a willing follower, if what is being followed is considered to be the Truth. Ironically, and paradoxically, the mature soul is free to move in any direction, but in choosing to be a follower, to obey a Higher Power, will manage to head off toward a “Promised Land”.
I truly believe we know how badly our young people need us to be mature. I am convinced most of us our weary of the shallowness and nastiness and selfishness of our culture. We want more for our kids, and we share their longing for meaning and value and worth. We totally concur in their yearning to find a point and purpose, and we deeply desire to help them locate their own calling.
Take some time today to ponder the question, “How can I be more mature?” or “How can I deepen my own personal spirituality?” I think either question will help lead you to living a good answer and a genuinely good life. It will certainly enable you to be a better parent or role model.
THE MOVEMENT FROM ME TO WE
Maturation is a verb. It is always on the move. It is a flow, a stream, a flood. It is a pulse, a rhythm, a quiver, a tremble, a beat. It does not mark time but creates the capacity to lose track of time. It is never stagnant or stale. It is awake and alive and alert. It is on the go, but not busy. It is progress, but often moves in circles or cycles. It is the walk of the spirit. It is a stroll with the soul. It is the human ability to spiritually soar.
Maturing is the movement from being all about ME, to being far more concerned with WE. It is a choice to become insightful, sensitive, empathetic, compassionate, and above all else, kind. Maturity is opening our hearts and minds and hands and hearts to the needs of others. It is at times putting the needs of our neighbor before our own. It is the sacrifice of time or talent or funds in order to make someone else’s life a bit better, or their load a bit lighter.
Maturation is spiritual growth, becoming ever more gracious and generous. Thus, it is also becoming more unconditional in our loving, loving the tough to love, our opponents or enemies, or simply those who by thought, word, and deed, have made it clear they do not care for us. The more we mature, the fewer excuses we will offer not to love; we will take more opportunities to love those who are different or difficult; and we will be more willing to give until it does hurt.
To think of HOPE without loving is absurd. HOPE can only be created by those mature enough to love free of conditions. Love is the fuel of HOPE. Love is the catalyst which ignites and illuminates HOPE. If we are parenting HOPE, we are in effect daily encouraging our young to risk loving. We are asking them to care deeply; to be concerned and involved; to listen carefully and look deep inside; and to show respect at all times. HOPE demands us to have love as a top priority.
Maturation is a spiritual expansion. It means caring about more and more people, and more and more deeply. It means widening our compassion and enlarging the reach of our love. It also means enhancing our capacity to serve and sacrifice on behalf of others. A life focused only on the ME is just too narrow for the soul. Our human spirit longs to connect with the Holy Spirit, or Higher Power, and this requires us to be in intimate contact with the WE.
Like the universe itself, our souls are always expanding. Our souls, as they mature become more willing to love and forgive, care and respect, and know the fullness of mercy and compassion; they begin to stretch in all directions. It is our human nature and destiny, even our calling, to join with the WE, to become a part of the whole, a member of the community, a participant in the intimacy of family and friendship and the loving even of the stranger or enemy.
Maturity means growth. It is growing up. It is opening our heart, mind, and soul to knowing our firm bonds to all other human beings. We form a web, a vast network of humanity which is woven together by the thread of being God’s children. This is a bond we cannot break, and if we try to block or prevent it, we will destroy our ability to know the fullness of Life, love, happiness, joy, and above all else, hope.
As one people, the human family, we can celebrate a genuine hope. We can only create such hope in our togetherness. Fragmented or divided we fail miserably.
THE MOVEMENT FROM PUTTING DOWN TO LIFTING UP
We live in a culture which can be viciously competitive. We are encouraged to see our neighbors as opponents, even enemies, and to ceaselessly compare ourselves to them. We frequently choose to look upon our neighbors with suspicion, as if they are a threat to our success or status or well-being. We label our neighbors, rank them, judge them, and choose to seek out their flaws -- maybe not all the time, but way too often. As a result, our culture has grown increasingly nastier, far meaner spirited.
When I recently read some cyber bullying, messages sent to a youth with whom I worked, I was appalled at the savagery of the words and sentiments expressed. These were put downs intended to level a human spirit, destroy confidence or esteem, and showed no regard for the heart of the recipient. This was not teasing. This was not fooling around. This was the use of technology to deliver a scalpel like puncture to a very human soul.
Our young people see such malice in adults all the time. They listen to politicians and religious leaders condemn those with whom they disagree, offering blistering diatribes of a most personal nature. They watch marriages collapse out of a refusal to compromise or communicate or forgive. They see families badly fractured, with siblings not speaking to one another, or feuds being carried on for years. They see friendships abandoned over nonsense, or the slightest of slights.
Our children, especially our youth, have grown accustomed to a culture notorious for the putting down of others, especially if those others exhibit an obvious difference like color or ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation, or the manner in which they choose to express their faith.
I recall attending a film called MEAN GIRLS, and having a tough time laughing along with most of the receptive audience. I thought about how offensive this film would have been to my mother, and inconceivable to my grandmother. I had also buried a young woman during my ministry, who I suspected was the long-term victim of a “gang” of mean girls – they said they meant no harm. I understood the satire of the film, and knew it was meant to be a silly caricature, but it cut way too close to the bone for me, and I left wincing not smiling.
If we are to be adults who enable HOPE to become a spiritual habit, and thus encourage real maturation to take place, we must demonstrate the ways and means of lifting others up, not putting them down. Attention, appreciation, affirmation, acknowledgement, are all easy ways to lift the human spirit, and to offer someone a bit of respite from a culture of critiques, they are just simply too seldom put into practice.
As parents we are called by God to tutor our young in the knowledge they are beloved and enough. Most young people long to know their parents and other significant adults enjoy them, and love being in their company. Our young people have a far greater need and right to being affirmed, then to be put down on a regular basis. The soul can be whittled into oblivion. It will not disappear, but it will go into hiding. Our souls are smart, and no when it is best to literally get away from it ALL.
THE MOVEMENT FROM OUT OF BALANCE TO IN BALANCE
America is a culture quite prone to producing adults who are burned out and up, overly stressed and anxious, and spiritually empty. Many of us are prone to seek perfection, be compulsive people pleasers, and see Life as a performance. We are a people who frequently appear to be weary, dissatisfied, lacking meaning and value, and floundering when it comes to maturity. Exhaustion simply does not yield maturity. Being on empty creates a spirit which is childish, irritable, quickly frustrated, and demanding.
I believe most Americans live lives not of quiet desperation, but of being terribly out of balance.
I believe our culture secretly worships the workaholic. We are repeatedly reminded how our value is linked to our work, as our work makes the money. Our worth becomes our net worth. In a culture so blatantly materialistic, addicted to accumulation, it is easy to equate ourselves to what we can buy or what we own. Being a workaholic is an addiction. It means being a person who believes they must always be working , even on vacation or a break or sharing a meal or a movie. The workaholic is always on, and the on is all about their work.
A workaholic is the presence of an absence. They are not truly available. They fail to play, do nothing or re-create. They have no time for stillness, silence, solitude, or serenity. They pray only in crisis. They worship but are never on their knees long enough to claim a God who is a genuine Higher Power. Workaholics experience great difficulty with intimacy, relationships, or the basics of maturity, loving and forgiveness.
Americans are taught to see busyness, stress, weariness, a jammed calendar, or our incessant looking at a watch, as signs of our success. This may be, but they are not signs of maturity. Maturity is registered in being centered, calm, focused, at ease, present, in the now, serene, stable, and secure. Maturity is to have achieved a truce with God and with Life – no longer at war with time. When we are out of balance, we waste time, kill time, buy time, and seldom enjoy the moment.
Climbing the ladder of success; making a name for one self; winning the rat race; have little to do with maturity. The mature soul, like the Lion, the Tin Man, and the Scarecrow, has been informed by the Wizard -- we already possess all we need. Even Heaven is in our midst. We can cease trying to prove our worth. We are already beloved beyond measure. We begin with enough. We start Life by being originally blessed.
If we are out of balance, we fail to show our children how to be mature, be present, live in the now, or be genuinely available to love. We will be unable to demonstrate the art of spiritual satisfaction or how to be of real significance. We will be a blur of busyness but lack the substance our youth so badly want and need. A well-balanced life is like a well-balanced meal, it is what is best for us, and how we can be nourished to become real grown-ups.
Our kids need mature adults. Mature adults are a real spiritual presence. They are there. They are available. They have the time and the inclination and the interest. They offer encouragement and support. They listen closely, have significant insight, and help a teen claim their own vision and voice. Mature adults work hard and daily to achieve a delicate balance of doing and being.
Ask yourself the question, “Who are the most mature adults you know?” I would contend that you will not find it easy to name many. I would also assert there are a few features the people on your list will have in common. They will be relaxed, kind, compassionate, and happy. They will seem centered, focused, and at ease with their own personal pace. They will be content.
They will know moments of joy. They will enjoy their lives, their families and friends, and the opportunities of each and every day. They will seldom complain, blame, judge, be negative, or be stagnant. They will seem very much alive and alert and awake. FULLY – a full Life.
Now, ask the same question of your own teen or a teen you know well. You will likely find they have difficulty in defining what is actually meant by maturity other than age. They may quickly name a grandparent, not only due to age, but because grandparents so often display a gracious and generous demeanor – the attributes of the mature.
Many young people will think of maturity in negative terms: no time for fun; no time for daydreaming; no time for curiosity, wonder, or imagination; all work and no play; void of friends; monotony swamped by responsibility; days swarming with stress. No wonder so many adolescents are not too keen on entering what we call “the real world” – it sounds like a gulag.
Without a true commitment to maturation, the soul will shrivel, and Life becomes like marching in place in quicksand. It is in maturing we come to Life and are able to actualize our dreams. As real adults we can follow our longings and fulfill our yearnings. Our young people deserve mature role models and guides, adults who are spiritual grown-ups, and souls committed to giving their best each and every day.
Maturity is to be present. It is to be a spiritual presence. It is to be a soul alive to all the possibilities. Maturity is much more than success. Maturity is a Life of substance and significance, one where we will know ample satisfaction. The mature understand Life to be bittersweet, but acquire a taste for both sides - they even come to like some spice.
Well, with that being said, I am acknowledging how these are extremely difficult times to be raising or mentoring a youth. Our young people live at a time when the issues we face as a planet and people are formidable. Our youth must daily battle living in a culture which often seems cynical, self-centered, mean spirited, and lacking in compassion or any respect for diversity. Many of our youth cope with the possibility of having to dodge bullets at school. All of them routinely hear about a planet warming to dangerous levels. The anxiety in today’s teens is high, and for good reason.
These are what might be called “apocalyptic times”, and by that I am not predicting any Armageddon events. However, I am warning all good parents and adults who care about kids that now more than ever our youth need our graciousness, generosity and goodness – they need us to be real GROWN-UPS. The good life in America has proven to have little to nothing to do with goodness. Our young deserve to be helped to find a genuinely good life, so they can become who they were created to be – GENUINELY GOOD PEOPLE.
The culture of this time in America appears to advocate for GROWING DOWN, NOT UP. We are bombarded a call to make sure there is something in it for me, which, of course, means money. We are told repeatedly our value is found in our pocketbook and by what we own. We are also incessantly attacked with the message WE ARE NOT ENOUGH. We are not good enough sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, siblings or friends, family or community, and fall way short of the top rungs of the ladder of success.
To be brutally honest, I think it is fair to say our culture belittles us daily, and feverishly promotes the slow and subtle selling of our souls.
It is time for good enough parents and the adult friends of youth to step up to the plate, and encourage youth to work at being significant, not merely successful. Our youth will more than likely earn a good living, but whether or not they lead a good life is a whole other proposition. We must train our children to be kind, caring, concerned, compassionate adults, and this means offering them ample tutoring in the art of loving.
Remember, it takes a real adult to become an artist in Life or love. Maturity is a prerequisite to the genuine good life. Maturity demands discipline, effort, drive, and the determination to make a difference. The mature adult is someone who can make someone’s day every single day – and often does! The mature adult is a person of great character, integrity, dignity, and possesses the courage to face conflict or crisis, and be creative even in times of chaos.
Let me offer some specifics on what I believe will be required of a mature adult -- not the kind of adults meant by the ironic moniker FOR ADULTS ONLY. Mature adults act their age, they age with grace, face up to the issues of their lives and times, and help create a saner, safer, and more stable world; they choose to follow a road less traveled. Here are some of the signposts you can expect to see if you too wisely decide to follow that road.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HUMAN
Let me make the following assertion as the spiritual – decidedly not religious -- foundation of my own values and ethics. It is a statement of my faith, and therefore a choice and I do not seek to indoctrinate anyone here. I am solely asking you to consider the dimensions and scope of my conviction.
I believe it is the will of God for HUMANS TO BE HUMAN. Unfortunately, I have witnessed most folks try to be anything but human. By seeking to be in control, in charge, or worse yet, perfect, we lead lives which are inevitably demoralizing. The radical acceptance of being human is fundamental to the maturation process, and I would contend, the development of spirituality as well. What exactly do I mean by that?
To accept being human means first and foremost, knowing we are living at the same time we are dying, and one day we will actually die. This is a most powerful notion, but it is critical to growing up in any way, shape or form. A grown-up knows Life has limits, and we are here for a relatively brief span of time. A grown-up accepts and understands this is not a dress rehearsal, but the actual performance.
When we accept our humanity, we are also claiming our flaws, failings, even flops, and admitting we can be lazy, lousy, and even losers – at least at times. As humans we can be quite arrogant or proud, and pretend to have the world on a string; when literally and figuratively, that string was cut when we were born. We must accept being fragile and vulnerable if we are ever to lay claim to our substantive powers. In a spiritual sense, this means hitting bottom before we can begin looking up to the top.
Yes, we sin, however we define the term, we screw up, we make poor decisions and choices, and we can get frustrated, even furious, if the world is not functioning according to our plans. We expect the world to go our way, and recoil at seeing it zoom off in another direction. Still, human beings can be incredibly resilient. We can change, and we do. We can grow and learn, and we have. We can become and be, and we do so daily. Being human is a verb, a process, and a movement. Maturing is a miracle, but it is also our nature.
The movement to being mature responsible adults is not our destiny, it is an art. There are no coloring books. There isn’t a paint-by-number kit. There is simply a palette of watercolors, the hues of being human, and then learning to trust the water and go with the flow. Paint creatively and with abundant joy. Paint a picture we would be proud to sign as our own.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HONEST
The mature soul respects the power of words and giving our word. The mature soul understands that the ground of our being is the loam of honesty. A life of deception, lies, pretending, faking it, or being genuinely deceitful, just does not cut it in terms of maturity.
We have all known a spoiled brat. Some of us have been one, or may sadly still be. A spoiled brat lives the ultimate lie, which is to believe everything is all about ME. They see themselves as the center of the universe and cannot understand why the world and its people are not rolling out the red carpet for them. The spoiled brat lies all the time. They fake it equally often. They are all about image, with literally no depth or substance. They are folks who lack a soul, and miserably fail to mature.
I consider honesty to be the fuel of maturation. If you cannot be honest, you cannot be aware, and without awareness you cannot change, and change is the hallmark of all maturing. Honesty is a climb up to higher ground and requires us to be on the up and up. Even the white lie has a dark side, leading us to fib compulsively, or stretching the truth to unrecognizable dimensions. Once we step forward in a rigorous honesty, we will soon become at ease with the habit of telling the truth.
The fib, the omission, the exaggeration, the deception, the half-truth, the con, the denial, all are quite human, but all lead us to a compulsive avoidance of adhering to our core convictions. When we fail to walk the walk, and just talk the talk, it is like trying to stand up on legs which have fallen deeply asleep – the perfect set-up for a stumble.
MATURITY MEANS BEING HUMBLE
Walk humbly with your God is probably the best advice the Psalmist ever gave. Humility is not self-deprecation, and it is definitely not acting simple or stupid or powerless. The true meaning of humility is to accept our strengths and weaknesses, and to keep our goals in proper perspective. Life is a paradox, and the mature individual copes well with either side, dark or light, lost or found, old or new. The mature person celebrates his or her gifts or talents, but is also able to recognize, acknowledge and celebrate the gifts and talents of others.
Humility means to have an accurate and true sense of self. It means having the capacity to see oneself through the eyes of others, or even the eyes of God. Humility is an attitude of Grace. Humility is a perspective, which knows our significance and insignificance, and how they are spiritually fused. For example, as a Christian, there is no true understanding of Easter, if one does not know why we call Good Friday - good.
Walking humbly with God means having come to our senses, having come down to earth, and moving with the confidence we will become who we were created to be. The mature person is a willing follower, if what is being followed is considered to be the Truth. Ironically, and paradoxically, the mature soul is free to move in any direction, but in choosing to be a follower, to obey a Higher Power, will manage to head off toward a “Promised Land”.
I truly believe we know how badly our young people need us to be mature. I am convinced most of us our weary of the shallowness and nastiness and selfishness of our culture. We want more for our kids, and we share their longing for meaning and value and worth. We totally concur in their yearning to find a point and purpose, and we deeply desire to help them locate their own calling.
Take some time today to ponder the question, “How can I be more mature?” or “How can I deepen my own personal spirituality?” I think either question will help lead you to living a good answer and a genuinely good life. It will certainly enable you to be a better parent or role model.
THE MOVEMENT FROM ME TO WE
Maturation is a verb. It is always on the move. It is a flow, a stream, a flood. It is a pulse, a rhythm, a quiver, a tremble, a beat. It does not mark time but creates the capacity to lose track of time. It is never stagnant or stale. It is awake and alive and alert. It is on the go, but not busy. It is progress, but often moves in circles or cycles. It is the walk of the spirit. It is a stroll with the soul. It is the human ability to spiritually soar.
Maturing is the movement from being all about ME, to being far more concerned with WE. It is a choice to become insightful, sensitive, empathetic, compassionate, and above all else, kind. Maturity is opening our hearts and minds and hands and hearts to the needs of others. It is at times putting the needs of our neighbor before our own. It is the sacrifice of time or talent or funds in order to make someone else’s life a bit better, or their load a bit lighter.
Maturation is spiritual growth, becoming ever more gracious and generous. Thus, it is also becoming more unconditional in our loving, loving the tough to love, our opponents or enemies, or simply those who by thought, word, and deed, have made it clear they do not care for us. The more we mature, the fewer excuses we will offer not to love; we will take more opportunities to love those who are different or difficult; and we will be more willing to give until it does hurt.
To think of HOPE without loving is absurd. HOPE can only be created by those mature enough to love free of conditions. Love is the fuel of HOPE. Love is the catalyst which ignites and illuminates HOPE. If we are parenting HOPE, we are in effect daily encouraging our young to risk loving. We are asking them to care deeply; to be concerned and involved; to listen carefully and look deep inside; and to show respect at all times. HOPE demands us to have love as a top priority.
Maturation is a spiritual expansion. It means caring about more and more people, and more and more deeply. It means widening our compassion and enlarging the reach of our love. It also means enhancing our capacity to serve and sacrifice on behalf of others. A life focused only on the ME is just too narrow for the soul. Our human spirit longs to connect with the Holy Spirit, or Higher Power, and this requires us to be in intimate contact with the WE.
Like the universe itself, our souls are always expanding. Our souls, as they mature become more willing to love and forgive, care and respect, and know the fullness of mercy and compassion; they begin to stretch in all directions. It is our human nature and destiny, even our calling, to join with the WE, to become a part of the whole, a member of the community, a participant in the intimacy of family and friendship and the loving even of the stranger or enemy.
Maturity means growth. It is growing up. It is opening our heart, mind, and soul to knowing our firm bonds to all other human beings. We form a web, a vast network of humanity which is woven together by the thread of being God’s children. This is a bond we cannot break, and if we try to block or prevent it, we will destroy our ability to know the fullness of Life, love, happiness, joy, and above all else, hope.
As one people, the human family, we can celebrate a genuine hope. We can only create such hope in our togetherness. Fragmented or divided we fail miserably.
THE MOVEMENT FROM PUTTING DOWN TO LIFTING UP
We live in a culture which can be viciously competitive. We are encouraged to see our neighbors as opponents, even enemies, and to ceaselessly compare ourselves to them. We frequently choose to look upon our neighbors with suspicion, as if they are a threat to our success or status or well-being. We label our neighbors, rank them, judge them, and choose to seek out their flaws -- maybe not all the time, but way too often. As a result, our culture has grown increasingly nastier, far meaner spirited.
When I recently read some cyber bullying, messages sent to a youth with whom I worked, I was appalled at the savagery of the words and sentiments expressed. These were put downs intended to level a human spirit, destroy confidence or esteem, and showed no regard for the heart of the recipient. This was not teasing. This was not fooling around. This was the use of technology to deliver a scalpel like puncture to a very human soul.
Our young people see such malice in adults all the time. They listen to politicians and religious leaders condemn those with whom they disagree, offering blistering diatribes of a most personal nature. They watch marriages collapse out of a refusal to compromise or communicate or forgive. They see families badly fractured, with siblings not speaking to one another, or feuds being carried on for years. They see friendships abandoned over nonsense, or the slightest of slights.
Our children, especially our youth, have grown accustomed to a culture notorious for the putting down of others, especially if those others exhibit an obvious difference like color or ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation, or the manner in which they choose to express their faith.
I recall attending a film called MEAN GIRLS, and having a tough time laughing along with most of the receptive audience. I thought about how offensive this film would have been to my mother, and inconceivable to my grandmother. I had also buried a young woman during my ministry, who I suspected was the long-term victim of a “gang” of mean girls – they said they meant no harm. I understood the satire of the film, and knew it was meant to be a silly caricature, but it cut way too close to the bone for me, and I left wincing not smiling.
If we are to be adults who enable HOPE to become a spiritual habit, and thus encourage real maturation to take place, we must demonstrate the ways and means of lifting others up, not putting them down. Attention, appreciation, affirmation, acknowledgement, are all easy ways to lift the human spirit, and to offer someone a bit of respite from a culture of critiques, they are just simply too seldom put into practice.
As parents we are called by God to tutor our young in the knowledge they are beloved and enough. Most young people long to know their parents and other significant adults enjoy them, and love being in their company. Our young people have a far greater need and right to being affirmed, then to be put down on a regular basis. The soul can be whittled into oblivion. It will not disappear, but it will go into hiding. Our souls are smart, and no when it is best to literally get away from it ALL.
THE MOVEMENT FROM OUT OF BALANCE TO IN BALANCE
America is a culture quite prone to producing adults who are burned out and up, overly stressed and anxious, and spiritually empty. Many of us are prone to seek perfection, be compulsive people pleasers, and see Life as a performance. We are a people who frequently appear to be weary, dissatisfied, lacking meaning and value, and floundering when it comes to maturity. Exhaustion simply does not yield maturity. Being on empty creates a spirit which is childish, irritable, quickly frustrated, and demanding.
I believe most Americans live lives not of quiet desperation, but of being terribly out of balance.
I believe our culture secretly worships the workaholic. We are repeatedly reminded how our value is linked to our work, as our work makes the money. Our worth becomes our net worth. In a culture so blatantly materialistic, addicted to accumulation, it is easy to equate ourselves to what we can buy or what we own. Being a workaholic is an addiction. It means being a person who believes they must always be working , even on vacation or a break or sharing a meal or a movie. The workaholic is always on, and the on is all about their work.
A workaholic is the presence of an absence. They are not truly available. They fail to play, do nothing or re-create. They have no time for stillness, silence, solitude, or serenity. They pray only in crisis. They worship but are never on their knees long enough to claim a God who is a genuine Higher Power. Workaholics experience great difficulty with intimacy, relationships, or the basics of maturity, loving and forgiveness.
Americans are taught to see busyness, stress, weariness, a jammed calendar, or our incessant looking at a watch, as signs of our success. This may be, but they are not signs of maturity. Maturity is registered in being centered, calm, focused, at ease, present, in the now, serene, stable, and secure. Maturity is to have achieved a truce with God and with Life – no longer at war with time. When we are out of balance, we waste time, kill time, buy time, and seldom enjoy the moment.
Climbing the ladder of success; making a name for one self; winning the rat race; have little to do with maturity. The mature soul, like the Lion, the Tin Man, and the Scarecrow, has been informed by the Wizard -- we already possess all we need. Even Heaven is in our midst. We can cease trying to prove our worth. We are already beloved beyond measure. We begin with enough. We start Life by being originally blessed.
If we are out of balance, we fail to show our children how to be mature, be present, live in the now, or be genuinely available to love. We will be unable to demonstrate the art of spiritual satisfaction or how to be of real significance. We will be a blur of busyness but lack the substance our youth so badly want and need. A well-balanced life is like a well-balanced meal, it is what is best for us, and how we can be nourished to become real grown-ups.
Our kids need mature adults. Mature adults are a real spiritual presence. They are there. They are available. They have the time and the inclination and the interest. They offer encouragement and support. They listen closely, have significant insight, and help a teen claim their own vision and voice. Mature adults work hard and daily to achieve a delicate balance of doing and being.
Ask yourself the question, “Who are the most mature adults you know?” I would contend that you will not find it easy to name many. I would also assert there are a few features the people on your list will have in common. They will be relaxed, kind, compassionate, and happy. They will seem centered, focused, and at ease with their own personal pace. They will be content.
They will know moments of joy. They will enjoy their lives, their families and friends, and the opportunities of each and every day. They will seldom complain, blame, judge, be negative, or be stagnant. They will seem very much alive and alert and awake. FULLY – a full Life.
Now, ask the same question of your own teen or a teen you know well. You will likely find they have difficulty in defining what is actually meant by maturity other than age. They may quickly name a grandparent, not only due to age, but because grandparents so often display a gracious and generous demeanor – the attributes of the mature.
Many young people will think of maturity in negative terms: no time for fun; no time for daydreaming; no time for curiosity, wonder, or imagination; all work and no play; void of friends; monotony swamped by responsibility; days swarming with stress. No wonder so many adolescents are not too keen on entering what we call “the real world” – it sounds like a gulag.
Without a true commitment to maturation, the soul will shrivel, and Life becomes like marching in place in quicksand. It is in maturing we come to Life and are able to actualize our dreams. As real adults we can follow our longings and fulfill our yearnings. Our young people deserve mature role models and guides, adults who are spiritual grown-ups, and souls committed to giving their best each and every day.
Maturity is to be present. It is to be a spiritual presence. It is to be a soul alive to all the possibilities. Maturity is much more than success. Maturity is a Life of substance and significance, one where we will know ample satisfaction. The mature understand Life to be bittersweet, but acquire a taste for both sides - they even come to like some spice.